Like so many young men, I grew up thinking that crying, showing any ounce of emotion would make you less of a man.
And any time I did, I’d hear these responses.
“Get on with it.”
“Soft. weak”
“You can’t afford to cry, you are a man.”
It’s a huge part of the reason why men, historically, and still today, struggle to open up, be vulnerable.
It’s why the rate of mental illness, depression and suicide is so high in men.
But if you’re watching this, and you’ve struggled with depression all your life and you find it extremely difficult to open up, I want you to know that’s it’s okay. I understand.
In my life, I grew up around men who were as hard as concrete, never showed any hint of sadness, at least in public, and always seemed to find a way to “get on with it” in tough situations. Even in situations where there didn’t seem to be a solution.
At home, my Dad was the most prevalent male role model in my life and I’ve only ever seen my dad somewhat cry once. Even then, it was just a solitary tear, and he did everything he could to hold back.
When my mother got very sick in my high school years, he was the glue that kept our family together. No matter how dire things got, he never let his guard down. If he did, I wouldn’t of seen it.
On one hand, he showed me how to be the man of the family.
Not necessarily macho, but someone who never gave up and would run through a brick wall if he had to, especially for his family.
I’m lucky that I’ve inherited a little bit of that trait from my Dad.
But unfortunately, I never learnt how to express my emotions, especially during dark times.
Even with my best friends, throughout high school and our early 20s, whenever we both experienced hardship, stress or burnout, we’d just say to each other “that’s the way it is. That’s life.”
And unfortunately this was a huge reason as to why I started having suicidal thoughts in my 20s. Because I thought that being vulnerable as a man meant being weak and soft, then taking my life would somehow withhold the image of strength that I wanted to aspire to be.
For me, when I finally started opening up by sharing my struggles with my closest male friends, and then here on Youtube, it showed me that the new way to man up is to show emotion, reach out and let people help me.
It showed me that I can still be reliable, dependable, and resilient, but I can also cry, tell people that I’m in pain, especially when I am in a dark place.
I mean it makes sense doesn’t it? When you’re struggling in life, in any way, you wouldn’t walk around jumping for joy.
Every male role model and friend in my life will be the first to say they are terrible at sharing emotions, unless it’s frustration because they were stitched up at a carsales.
But we also have frustrations at our responsibilities, the weight we carry of having to be the ones to pay the bills, to be the “man” of the house, to take care of our girlfriends or wives, to be the one to stand up whenever someone needs us.
We also wish we had that muscle in our brain to say “I’m not doing well” whenever we aren’t okay.
I hope by sharing my story, for every man, brother, father or uncle who sees this, they can breathe a sigh of relief, no matter what generation you’re from.
The beautiful thing about the generation we live in, is that whilst we still have a long way to go, we’ve started to normalise all this.
So if you are a man who has struggled to put into words what it’s like to go through depression, to fight that dark voice in their head that tells them to give up, you don’t have to hold onto this old thought anymore. Things will be okay, and you are allowed to ask for help.
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